Fear & Death....I want neither!

I'm so messed up that it's not even funny. My head is going in circles and I don't even know if I'm coming or going. I just hurt inside. Not a physical pain, but an emotional one. I'm so sad and it seems that no matter what I do, I can't seem to shake it. There are times that I can rise above it and feel a short-lived happiness only to crash back down, but mostly the sadness is always there in me. Waiting to be released and I'm tired of trying to fight it. I'm just so very, very tired.

So often I wish for death, but it's not really death that I want. Rather I just want it all to end. I want all the anger, hurt, sadness, despair, and loneliness to all go away. I want to be happy again. I want to live this life that I've been given, but it's so hard. It's so hard to pretend that everyday you don't want to disappear. It's so hard to pretend that you don't feel like you're alone on ship at sea, drifting and off course with no way to regain your bearings. This is the way I feel everyday and everyday it's harder and harder to pretend I don't feel this way. Everyday, I fail at pretending. People are starting to see through me and they have for a while now. Especially the people I'm closest to. I can't hide it from them. They see everything. They see me unable to control my emotions. They see the despair well up in me and burst forth. I'm just so tired of trying to fight it.

One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to lose everyone that I care about. That I'm going to force them away from me. That I'm going to drive them away from me and at the rate I'm going, it's going to happen whether I want it to or not.

The CAPE (Central Alabama Power Exchange) demo is this upcoming Saturday. I've been planning to go. I've been looking forward to going, but there is the very real possibility that I'm not going to go after all. I'm scared. I'm scared about what the other members are going to think of me after last months demo and play party. Where I pretty much spent the night crying and most of the next day, unable to stop. It was that weekend that Ms. G had a talk with me. She told me that even though she would always be my friend and always be there for me, that eventually everyone else was going to get tired of me, of my crying. She said that every time all of us got together that I cried and those around me wondered what they did to make me cry. That eventually they were not going to want me around because I was bringing everyone else’s mood down. That eventually they would ask me not to come or at the very least dread my coming. She had told me that I was a 27 year old woman and not a child and that there was no need for me to cry like I did unless there was very good reason. She kept asking was there a reason for my crying and what was wrong. The problem was and is that I couldn't give her a reason. I said that I didn't know. She had said that if I truly couldn't control my crying then perhaps I did need medical help. For the first time she said what my mother and my therapist had been saying. For the first time she agreed with them and that opened my eyes. I know that she said those things because she cares about me and didn't want to see me lose all my friends. She had said that she saw how hard I was trying to fight myself and failing.

Her words hurt. They hurt worse than anything else that has ever been said to me. There's a part of me that wonders if she would have said those things had see not been tired and exhausted herself from that weekend and her tolerance for me not been worn thin. I still wonder if the others had asked her not to bring me/ allow me to come to functions anymore but all I shall ever do is wonder. I don't really want to know if they did.

Now, the thing is that I'm scared to go back to CAPE. I'm scared that I'll alienate myself like I did last month. I'm scared that I'm not really wanted there anymore. I had been so sure about going. I was excited about going, but now I'm not so sure. I think I'm just going to go ahead and mail J his book back and not go. I'm not really in any shape to go. I don't even know that I belong there anymore. I'm not sure I belong anywhere anymore.

I feel so alone. I'm so lost. I fear everything. I'm afraid of losing my friends, which there is a very good possibility that I've already lost most of them. I'm afraid of being the way I am now, forever. I'm afraid of living my life, but I'm tired of just existing. I kind of just want it all to end, but I don't want to die. I'm confused. Utterly confused.